Some of you may know that I've got a degree in Early Childhood Studies. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to share my thoughts on my career and ask for any guidance you may be able to provide. This has got the potential to go on forever so I'll try to keep it short.
As a child, all I ever wanted to be was an actress; it wholly enveloped me. My mum encouraged my dream but also reminded me to have something to fall back on - she had her own dreams for me and drilled it into me from a young age that I was going to be a lawyer, telling everyone she met of her high hopes for her intelligent daughter. I was around 15 when I realised that this was not what I wanted. It took me another two years to finally break the news to my mum. She asked me what I wanted to do and I was stumped. I had never really had the chance to think about my own career aspirations, living in this fantasy world where I was going to be famous - I didn't need to think about normal jobs. In the meantime I'd lost almost all my confidence and I no longer felt capable of pursuing the dream.
I always admired my teachers and I loved to play classroom with my toys. I made registers and borrowed the huge books from our local library, reading to my toys with a pointer I'd made from a long metal stick. It was the first thought to enter my mind when my mum challenged me about my plans, "I'll be a teacher".I applied to university, flew through the interview stage and was all set to go when I received my A Level results and was 20 UCAS points short. I was devastated. I knew that if I went to speak to my teacher, I'd break down. I put on a brave face and resolved to go back to sixth form the next year to get me the points and re-apply. I called my Head of Sixth Form a couple of days later and she said that if I'd spoken to her that day, she could have called the university and pulled some strings. She did some searching and managed to find me a place on the Early Childhood Studies course, with a view to doing a 1 year post-graduate teaching route.
Obviously I accepted, but it wasn't what I wanted and I struggled with motivation. I dropped out in my second year (for many reasons, one of which I'm sure I'll go into at a later date) but ended up going back to finish. I struggled on and earned my degree but only getting the lowest classification - a Third Class honour. I didn't get onto the PGCE. Again, I was devastated but I figured that maybe teaching wasn't for me, after all. I went onto children's nursing but had to leave after a month on advice from my dermatologist and occupational health. I tried working in a pharmacy, in admin, using my degree in a nursery, and now I'm in a call centre.
Nothing fits. Nothing feels right. Every time I take a moment to think, I keep coming back to teaching. Is this my heart's desire? Is this what I really want or is it just that it seems like the best option? Is it God trying to reach out to me, and tell me to go into the spiritual battlefield that is our schools? I genuinely don't know. I can apply for a teacher-training programme now, it'll be hard work and possibly unpaid, so I need to know if I'd be doing it for myself or for God. I can get through anything if God is with me; I can't do it on my own back.
As Pastor John Kilpatrick said in his Prophetic Message,"You’ll feel like a bird, all of a sudden, locked up in a cage and you didn’t feel that way yesterday. You’ll feel desperate to get out and fly to the place that God’s prepared for you, and the Lord will open the door."
This is exactly how I feel - I'm stuck in a job I don't hate, but it's not where I feel I should be. There's something else out there for me; something else I should be doing!
I collect books and classroom ideas. Apparently I look like a teacher. Other than the all-consuming desire I have to be a mother, nothing really excites me like the idea of teaching does. But then I've got all the other questions - how can I teach other religions? I refuse to celebrate Halloween! How can I work in an environment where I can't share my faith; can't wear a cross; can't say a prayer? The only alternative is to work in a Catholic school, but I'm not Catholic - I would feel just as uncomfortable if I had to teach the Hail Mary.
I'm still trying to find myself, and although I long to be used by God - to work in line with His will for me, how can I know if this is my heart's desire for me, or for His Glory? Could this be the Plan for me? Have all these barriers: pages being stuck together in my A Level exam, missing a qustion and bringing my result down a whole grade; not handing in an assignment due to dropping out of uni, earning a 70% but being capped at 40%; my own unbelief in my abilities - have these all been roadblocks from the enemy, trying to pull me away from God's divine calling upon my life? Or was it simply my own idiocy and laziness?
How will I know? Are all these "signs" really from God and I'm just too stubborn to accept them or is it just that I'm looking, so it seems that they're signs?
I'm so confused and I have no idea which way to turn!
I pray that the Lord speaks to me and guides me through this confusion! I also pray that if anyone reading this is going through a similar struggle, the Lord will be our refuge!
- Lisa
No comments:
Post a Comment