Joy?

I've got an apology to make to you all.

I've been so tangled up in my own self-pity that I've basically abandoned everyone and everything.

As you're aware, I've felt that I've been approaching something of a breakthrough. I was excited and full of anticipation for what was coming. I could feel the Lord working something in my life and my healing was finally starting to manifest itself in the physical sense. My driving lessons were going well and I was starting to get comfortable enough to put some of my wages aside to start getting myself out of my overdrafts. The Lord's hand has been evident over my partner's life and I was genuinely living day-by-day in total faith.

Obviously, the enemy was getting restless and felt so small and desperate that he thought he'd step in and throw some roadblocks in my way.  I'm ashamed to say that I succumbed to his plot and I allowed myself to accept his lies, even just for a little while.

This past week I've been so low that I've literally been breaking down in tears, for no apparent reason. I've been absolutely fine one minute and then the very next second, there have been tears rolling down my cheeks and when Riki asked what was wrong, I couldn't give him an answer. My mum suffered with clinical depression for 20 years, starting just after I was born (no correlation, apparently!) so it would be easy for me to make an excuse and say, "it's in my genes", but I refuse to accept that. The Lord is stronger and greater than any condition and even if I did have a slightly higher chance of becoming depressed, I'd trust my God more than a little blue 10mg of Valium!

 In honesty, I think it's just a mixture of things getting on top of me and because I've always had to be the "strong one" in my family, I've become great at putting on a smile and a mask and pretending that I actually am strong and have things under control. Sometimes though, we break and genuinely need to become vulnerable to God so that He can step in and comfort us as His children. I think that this has been the case this week. My mask has cracked and all those feelings, emotions, worries and fears have come pouring out of me - no longer bottled up and bubbling over. It was only a matter of time. I'm so thankful that I have a merciful God who can and wants to take my baggage on His shoulders. Who loves me so much that He reminds me in one of my favourite scriptures,

"Come to me all, all you who labour and are 

heavy-laden and overburdened, and I 

will cause you to rest. [I will ease and 

relieve and refresh your souls.]"

Matthew 11:28 (AMP)

My first "real" hand cream!

My skin started to get dry (just from the weather, not eczema) and in my stubbornness I refused to use any of my moisturiser creams, because I've been healed and I'd be a hypocrite after my post here. What I realised, though, was that almost everyone gets dry skin occasionally, and really, I didn't need to use the prescribed, medicated creams I had - I could go out and buy a "real" hand cream, why be given this wonderful gift of freedom and healing if I'm still putting barriers up but instead of saying, "I can't use that, I'm allergic to it", I was saying "I can't use that because I've been healed". So yes, I bought myself a hand cream, and my hands are beautiful and soft. Not quite perfect yet but I stomped right on the enemy's head when he tried getting me to doubt my gift of healing!


I'm praying to feel that joy again, I know that God wants me to have joy and peace in the Holy Spirit (see Romans 14:17; 15:13 and Galatians 5:22)and I've had such a difficult time that I've forgotten that joy is another free gift I have been given - it's not something I have to earn or work for, it is a right and an expectation.  I just need to remember to give all my worries to God - nothing is too much for Him and what lies on my shoulders and physically, mentally and emotionally cripples me, is nothing more than a grain of sand to Him. I guess if I could give myself any advice, it would be to, "trust in the Lord and rely on His strength, not my own", after all, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13 - NKJV).

I've been getting impatient with Riki, too. I know that this is not good, and I know that I need to trust in God and His promises, but it is difficult. I know that it is in God's plan for Riki to be saved - He wouldn't have created him without the knowledge that he would become saved at one point, after all, this is our sole reason for being here on this earth, to glorify and bless our God! I can see His hand on Riki and I know that He's working in him but I can't help myself from making little comments and generally just trying to help God in His work - and we all know how that can work out, (just look at Abraham, trying to "help" in God's promise of descendants by sleeping with Hagar and having Ishmael - see Genesis 16 [esp. v12])

I've read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn, and I have to say, the first time I picked it up a few years ago, I couldn't really get into or appreciate it. This time, I devoured it (this is becoming common recently! I can't get enough of my books - as evidenced in my last post, here). It certainly gave me a lot to think about and I'm so excited for Riki to be saved. I've actually got a whole post planned on that topic so I won't go any further into it for now. Coming back to the book, though, it's great - it has genuinely made me think more about how our actions (or lack thereof) can affect the men in our lives, even when they don't show it. It's refreshing to read something so frank and honest and enables us to understand that men do, in fact, work completely differently to women! I feel that I understand Riki a lot more after reading this book.

So that's what's been going on whilst I've been AWOL - I'm happy to report that I feel that I've turned a corner again and I'm much more well prepared to deal with the enemy's cunning and deceptive plans. I certainly wouldn't say "no" to any prayer offers, though, if anyone is willing!

Have a blessed week,
Lisa