Barrenness

My new husband and I have just moved into our very first home. It's great, but a little strange. I never realised all there is to do in a house: cleaning; shopping; organising... There's things we had on our "to buy" list which are pretty ordinary but then there were so many things we hadn't even thought of, because they've always "just been there" - our mums just always had them in!

We're still living around and out of suitcases and boxes - we've only been here a couple of weeks and we're slowly but surely getting sorted. One thing we've struggled with is the lack of internet access. We had to wait for our internet to be connected and while we were waiting I didn't touch my laptop at all. Not once. In fact, we even went to my mum's to use her WiFi on my phone!

I guess I figured that without the internet, there's no reason to go on it. Forgetting that I had all our wedding photos from the photographer to sort through and order for family and friends. That's all on there. As is my CV and other job application things I could have been using; all my music, documents and games.

Basically, I refused to use my laptop because it didn't have the internet; the thing I used most often and the main reason I ever powered it up. It didn't matter that it was still a useable product, it still had plenty of other uses and worth, but it didn't have the one thing I wanted at that time.

This got me thinking about my body.

Now, I've never been to the doctor; never been diagnosed; never even had any sign or symptom that something may be wrong. I just have a feeling.

I've steered clear of bringing this up on here for fear of: a) offending people who are genuinely struggling with it; and b) having serious egg on my face if it never becomes an issue and I worried for nothing!

I've been adamant for a number of years now that I will struggle to conceive a child. There are many reasons for this, many of which are too complex for me to go into on such a public forum and with limited time and space. The main reason is that I just feel it. I feel it in my heart; I feel it in my gut.

As I said, there's never been any indication that I am barren or will struggle in any way to have a child. None at all. But just like my laptop, I've resigned myself to the fact that it's not going to work and I'll have to find another way, just like using mum's WiFi, we have already discussed at length, the possibility of adopting.

I have noticed that there seems to be a large number of couples struggling to conceive within the church. I'm not sure whether there's a correlation or if it's just a coincidence. Perhaps it's true what they say abut a church being a hospital for the needy and desperate. I guess that I accepted that in becoming a Christian, I may have given up my ability to bear a child (silly, I know!)

I even read Bible stories about barrenness: Rachel and Jacob; Rebekah and Isaac; Sarah and Abraham; Elizabeth (eventual mother of John the Baptist). It seemed that the tables were turned in the end and they each received their miracle. This gave me hope that perhaps there was a reason I was going to be barren and eventually it would become my own miracle.

It also made me think about spiritual barrenness. Perhaps my gut feeling isn't that I will be physically barren, in that I won't be able to give my husband a child, but perhaps it could simply be due to the spiritual barrenness I feel within my aching soul. I'm not yet able to interpret God's voice, so maybe this is how it manifests itself in me - by a feeling.

I could be so yearning for a baptism in the Holy Spirit, for a Gift of the Spirit, that I am misinterpreting what I assume is a maternal hunger. I've been maternal all my life. From a very young age, even as a child, I have known that I am meant to be a mother. I truly do believe that's the reason I'm here, and we only have to watch movies to see that the people who are the most desperate for children are the ones who will struggle to have them. I know life isn't like a movie but they must have come up with the ideas somewhere!

Anyway. I do wonder, but there's no point in worrying unnecessarily. We're only just married, we're not going to be thinking about starting a family just yet. In the meantime I will trust that God knows what He is doing and whether I bear my own biological children or we choose to adopt a child, I will be a mother one day and our family will be complete. As for me and my house, we will praise the Lord!

I'm praying over my spiritual gifting, just as I'm praying to know God's plan for my life so that I can start walking in His will. I'm hopeful that the emptiness I feel within myself will right itself when I am in a better place with God. When I was first saved I had a fire bubbling up in my stomach, I was excited and I felt that I was so close to God and His will for me. I feel that I've been seperated somewhat from that place and I need to find a way to get back there. I pray that when I do climb back up to God's throne room, that missing piece will be there waiting for me. Whether it's in the form of a Spiritual Gift or just to rekindle the fire I once had.

I'm leaving you now, excited, rather than dejected!

God promised all those women that they would not be barren forever. I'm holding Him to that covenant for myself!

Keep claiming your promises!

- Lisa xx